I have felt like a fraud so many times in my life I can't even begin to share it all so I will focus on the most recent.
2 1/2 years ago I became a mother of two. I had been a mother of one for three years and felt that having another baby wouldn't really change anything. I was right, it changed EVERYTHING.
The battlefield known as my life
The dynamic in my house went from kind of crazy to chaotic. I was physically and emotionally drained on a daily basis. Laundry, bottles, children seeking attention, meal planning, diapers. I was completely overwhelmed.
At this very same time work also threw me for a loop. When I came back from maternity leave, my work team was now a mutiny. No one wanted to work but they all wanted to get paid. The more I pushed the worse it got.
Bottom line: I was failing at life.
I wasn't a good mother and I wasn't a good leader.
The Life Raft
Until one day a coworker came to me with a personal development book. At this point I felt like I was out in the ocean looking for anything to cling to so as not to drowned. I grabbed hold.
One book turned into a veracious appetite for learning, growing and bettering myself. I started checking out books and audio books at the library. My once victim mentality slowly gave way to ownership and soon action.
Over the next 3 months everything changed, again, but this time for the better.
I took action with my team. I fired, reprimanded (in the form of performance reviews) and forced the bad eggs out. I also hired with a purpose this time, knowing the first time around I hadn't spent enough time honing what my needs were before jumping in the hiring game. What I ended up with was a team of ROCKSTARS!
I also took action at home. I made time for my husband and I created a designated game/art time with my daughter after the baby went to bed so that she felt special and loved.
Then......I got bored.
I was still devouring personal development like it was a second job but I now felt I'd grown past my position at work. I conquered it! Now how could I make it bigger?
Enter Fraudulent Beliefs
Fear set in. Who was I to think I could do something bigger than leading a team of 5 and building statistical models? Who was I to start a movement?
Except
Except staying felt fraudulent too. Did I want to be the girl who read all the books and did nothing with the material? I was beginning to feel like the puppy that outgrew his crate, caged in and uncomfortable in the very place I used to feel safe and happy.
I came to realize I would be a fraud either way, I had to choose whether I wanted to be a cowardly fraud or an adventurous fraud.
I am happy to report I am happy living as an adventurous fraud. ;-)
But, I also realized that cowardly frauds are a match made in heaven that will never separate. Once a coward, always a fraud. On the other hand, adventurous frauds can separate and live independently as simply adventurous without being frauds.
So go be an adventurous fraud. The world desperately needs more of them.
2 1/2 years ago I became a mother of two. I had been a mother of one for three years and felt that having another baby wouldn't really change anything. I was right, it changed EVERYTHING.
The battlefield known as my life
The dynamic in my house went from kind of crazy to chaotic. I was physically and emotionally drained on a daily basis. Laundry, bottles, children seeking attention, meal planning, diapers. I was completely overwhelmed.
At this very same time work also threw me for a loop. When I came back from maternity leave, my work team was now a mutiny. No one wanted to work but they all wanted to get paid. The more I pushed the worse it got.
Bottom line: I was failing at life.
I wasn't a good mother and I wasn't a good leader.
The Life Raft
Until one day a coworker came to me with a personal development book. At this point I felt like I was out in the ocean looking for anything to cling to so as not to drowned. I grabbed hold.
One book turned into a veracious appetite for learning, growing and bettering myself. I started checking out books and audio books at the library. My once victim mentality slowly gave way to ownership and soon action.
Over the next 3 months everything changed, again, but this time for the better.
I took action with my team. I fired, reprimanded (in the form of performance reviews) and forced the bad eggs out. I also hired with a purpose this time, knowing the first time around I hadn't spent enough time honing what my needs were before jumping in the hiring game. What I ended up with was a team of ROCKSTARS!
I also took action at home. I made time for my husband and I created a designated game/art time with my daughter after the baby went to bed so that she felt special and loved.
Then......I got bored.
I was still devouring personal development like it was a second job but I now felt I'd grown past my position at work. I conquered it! Now how could I make it bigger?
Enter Fraudulent Beliefs
Fear set in. Who was I to think I could do something bigger than leading a team of 5 and building statistical models? Who was I to start a movement?
Except
Except staying felt fraudulent too. Did I want to be the girl who read all the books and did nothing with the material? I was beginning to feel like the puppy that outgrew his crate, caged in and uncomfortable in the very place I used to feel safe and happy.
I came to realize I would be a fraud either way, I had to choose whether I wanted to be a cowardly fraud or an adventurous fraud.
I am happy to report I am happy living as an adventurous fraud. ;-)
But, I also realized that cowardly frauds are a match made in heaven that will never separate. Once a coward, always a fraud. On the other hand, adventurous frauds can separate and live independently as simply adventurous without being frauds.
So go be an adventurous fraud. The world desperately needs more of them.
You, like me, will always be a little fraudulent . . . because you will take huge chances and make it look effortless to the rest of the world when you're really crapping your pants at the uncertainty . . . but uncertainty kicks the ass of boredom any day!!! Love you friend!
ReplyDeleteThis is why we are friends. You understand me on so many levels without me saying a word. Love you!!
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